Can you control emotions? How can I support my child's emotional development?
How do I help when they are so distressed?
My answer to the question 'Can you control emotions?' is 'yes and no'.
Yes, it is absolutely possible to learn to manage the emotions we experience in the course of routine everyday life. A neuro-different child is very likely to need your help to achieve mastery of this.
Some individuals are better able to 'tune into' and describe their emotions than others are. How often have you asked your child how they are feeling, only to be met with a shrug and an impatiently muttered, 'I don't know'? It is very common for children with neuro-developmental disorders to have difficulty with this skill (and it is a skill). This is not just hard for children either. Professionals refer to the inability to recognise or describe one's own emotions as 'alexithymia'.
The commonest therapy goal for the children and parents I have worked with has been to improve a child's 'emotional self -regulation'. This is my preferred term for emotion management. It is about learning the skills to be able to manage our own emotions independently. This is such an important skill to share with your child. It has such an impact on self-esteem, self-worth and success in the longer term. And on family life.
But can we 'control' our emotions? No, I don't think so. Emotions are an integral and fundamental part of human life. They add vibrancy and colour to life (as does the scarlet poppy image below!). We need our emotions.
Keep reading on about the emotional difficulties experienced by those with Autism and / or ADHD.
Common Emotional Difficulties in Autism and ADHD
One of the commonest struggles I see in children, who can't maintain a well-regulated emotional state, is anxiety.
Anxiety is a typical reaction to a perceived threat. It is a physiological reaction designed to keep us safe. The days of old, when the threat was a wild animal or the like, are long gone for most of us. Nowadays threats are much more insidious. Tests, new situations, the reactions of others, going to school, crowds, noise, and a host of other stressors can generate feelings of anxiety.
For the child with ASD et al, the world can be alarming, frightening, even terrifying. If you child has altered sensory processing, everyday sounds such as the vacuum cleaner, can set off a 'flight, fight, or freeze' anxiety response. Negative reactions from peers can similarly produce feelings of doubt of self efficacy. Some things seem just 'too difficult'. As a consequence they are avoided. Avoidance leads to greater feelings of anxiety. And so it becomes a vicious cycle.
Many of the children I have seen for assessment and therapy over the years have presented with the negative effects of chronic anxiety. Hypervigilant, with tense bodies and downcast gaze, they peered warily around my Therapy Studio for hidden dangers. Often hiding behind a parent whilst doing so. An unsafe world not to be trusted.
A recent study1 retrospectively examining lived experiences found that mental health concerns, such as anxiety and depression, were significant amongst autistic adults with differences in sensory integration and processing, particularly sensory sensitivity. What this tells us is that we need to 'link up' our understanding of mental health, well-being, and emotional regulation, with that of sensory differences and difficulties. Our brains don't separate these out into neat packages!!
Sometimes, emotional reactions can be extreme. They can involve screaming, swearing, crying, throwing self or an object, hitting, spitting, scratching, kicking, and so on. The commonly used term for this is a 'meltdown'.
A meltdown is essentially an intense or extreme response to a situation which feels overwhelming. It causes your child to temporarily lose control of their behavior.
I prefer the term 'distress' to meltdown as, in reality, this is what it is. A distressed reaction to feeling totally overwhelmed.
Older children tend to feel shame for losing control of their behaviour, and in my view this is a good reason for helping them to build the skills which can prevent this overwhelming feeling of distress.
How can I support my child's emotional development?
The DOT.66 programme is designed to help build everyday essential self-regulation skills for children (aged 6-12) with Autism, ADHD or other neuro-developmental disorder.
It is 'work in progress' so please check back again as I add more resources to it.
References:
- Spielmann V, Burke H, McCulloch S, et al (2023) Linking Sensory Integration and Processing With Mental Health in Autism: A Retrospective Review of Survey Data. The American Journal of Occupational Therapy, Vol. 77(2). https://doi.org/10.5014/ajot.2023.050127